Die Without You

So I was heading to Plum Island last weekend with my daughter, my cousin and her family. I was in my car alone and jamming out to Sirius, which is an everyday occurrence, but this one song came on and I pretty much got lost. Lost, you say? Yes. But not in the I took a wrong turn way. This particular song came on and I was pulled back to 1992. (Scary I know, I was 10!) Ok this song was P.M. Dawn Die without you. WTF? Yes I know totally random, but here's the story: In the early 90's my mother was diagnosed with Cardiomyopathy, which is an enlargement of the heart. That being said she needed a heart transplant. Now as I stated before, I was 9/ 10. (Pretty damn young to deal with this shit.) I guess you can say that I continued to be a "normal" kid. I had my family, especially my Gigi, and my step dad. well mostly the former, since my dad was always at the hospital. I would go to bed scared as shit that I would be without my mother. I would cry myself to sleep or I would snuggle up to my Gigi, who was/ is my life. (RIP) So one night, while listening to AM radio, this song came on. And I was totally mesmerized. It totally summed up my life at the moment. I went and bought the single and for a year I would listen to it nonstop. I cried myself to sleep. My mother had the transplant and she made it with only minor complications over the years. I love my mother. More than she'll ever know. (Oh and btw she is still here, after 17 years) But that song kept me strong. Its beautifully written and melodically entrancing. So then imagine pulling up to the beach, tears streaming down my face, and the inability to explain the real reason for the tears.. Haha. And here I am wonderfully writing it down.

I'm not truly alone, I am choosing to be....

Alone. Some people are afraid of that word. Not me. I know that I am not alone. I have my friends and my family, so the word to me is a loose reference. I like to be by myself. I haven't had the time to think or to do my own thing in a long time. I have always used the line, I'm a loner Dottie, a rebel." That seems to be my justification, I'm a rebel. I do my own thing. When I choose to include others I do. I'm getting into sewing, teaching myself the "piano", and pretty much immersing myself into anything that is somewhat creative. BY MYSELF. You can't really share these things with anyone until the "product" is finished. Not cool to have someone up your ass while in the process of said things. I'm a work in progress.

I don't let too many people into my personal personal life. I edit certain things. Not necessarily the good parts as someone would say. I just pick and choose the subject matter and go on. Which brings me to my co workers. I love my job. Truly I do. I can be loud and somewhat obnoxious and they let me be. I tell them pretty much anything, but of course only said edited version. They think I am nuts. Which maybe I am. They tell me to write a book about my dating life. I would if I could. Not exactly writer/ book material. I have had some weird people I have dated. One never like the other. Well, maybe I could write a book of short stories....

I'll embark on that journey as soon as I find the perfect pair of shoes to go with my dress.

Start Anew

Today, what I want to do is start over. Sell my house and start anew. I am in over my head and I know this all too much. While I am not totally struggling.... I am struggling. I always hate to admit it and feel weak and a let down admitting it. I miss the days when I had no big responsibilities except my daughter. Ahh, the good life. I think that I want to sell and move in with my parents or get an apartment. Oh how I crave to pay rent and not have to worry about the structure. I know alot of people would scoff at that and say I am crazy, I own a home. Well my friends, while that is all good and dandy, I am not a homeowner. I know nothing about home repairs or upkeep. Sure I'll mow the lawn every now and again, or plant flowers, but other than that, I am a sad case. And I am sick of it. I wanna sell and pay off my mortgage and pay off my bills and whatever I have left over, place in the bank. I know, bad economy, you can't sell!!??. I say, fuck you. I'll fix a few more things and then I want to get the hell out of dodge.

New Day

I have to change things in my life if I want to stay in control. I don't want to lose one of the people I love the most. I can feel it. I am a jerk. I need to calm down and just be. I'll just make myself miserable if I push the one person that I am close to away. I need to pray hard to Rev. Damien de Veuste. Seriously. He just became a Saint because of the miracles that happened when prayed to him.

why....

Can't I be a normal? Why do I feel like a fuck up in everything I do? Why do I feel like a complete idiot in every part of my life? WHY????? What did I ever do to deserve to be this way?

I Want... I want....

I'm not much of a blogger. This said, I may forget about this as soon as I write. Lately I've been feeling lonely. It's strange. I am surrounded by friends and family, so I shouldn't be right? Maybe it is the things that I want that make me a recluse and I resent not having them. I don't know. Poor Me. Seems that I change the subject with each sentence. I want more in life. I need to get a move on it. I want to be included in things. I don't want to be left out.
I want to be married. I want someone to want to marry me. Maybe that is all part of the depressed part. I just want to skip over to that and be done. Would it make me happy? Maybe. Maybe not. I don't know. Ugh.
I want to do a lot of things in life. I say that and then I don't do it. I make bad decisions, I learn from them, but it doesn't stop me from doing it again. Oh Lordy me.
I fear that I am going in the downward spiral direction. I had a dark moment last night. I had the most depressed and loneliest feeling inside of me. I finally felt what it was to want to off myself. Oh God I could never, but I felt what I think that people feel when they are at that point. It's heartbreaking to say the least. (Now don't put me on a suicide watch, no need for that) I finally understand.
Well I will bid my Adieu for tonight. Till I feel inspired again, I leave you with this:

“When we truly realize that we are all alone is when we need others the most”: Ronald Anthony